pretentious little pixel bully

2002-11-07T15:09:00.000-08:00

aaight, so, it's time for me to blow this joint y'all

you can now read pretentious little pixel bully at this location

who's your daddy!

ha ha ha!

2002-11-04T15:36:00.000-08:00

the funniest thing i said today: i always thought pirates were probably just m!zundaztood

ahh, i slay me

y'all miss me?

i am trying to get ready to move this blog to another spot, but i leave you with this conundrum: am i a dork for listening to james taylor while playing tony hawk, or am i cool for listening to the avalanches when i crochet?

RIDDLE ME THAT

2002-10-26T13:51:00.000-07:00

mr hay is in denver wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

god love flight trackers woohoo

2002-10-24T14:52:00.000-07:00

MR HAY IS COMING OVER IN TWO DAYS HOLY SHIT

ok, question. does anyone know any templates to make movable type more pretty?

i'm spoilt and i'll be moving from this here blog site as soon as i can figure that out

ok love you bye

2002-10-20T13:52:00.000-07:00

a song for my baby:

Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand
And I come here to talk
I hope you understand

The green eyes
Yeah the spotlight
Shines upon you

And how could
Anybody
Deny you

I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter
Now I met you

Honey you should know
That I could never go on
Without you

Green eyes

Honey you are the sea
Upon which I float
And I came here to talk
I think you should know

That green eyes
You're the one that I wanted to find
And anyone who tried to deny you,
Must be out of their mind

Because I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter since I met you

And honey you should know,
That I could never go on
Without you

Green eyes, green eyes, ohohoh...

Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand.

yay, six days whee

2002-10-18T11:50:00.000-07:00

a sign i am maybe growing up: this morning, in the shower, i got a few strands of hair out of my head (because i am shedding like the animals!) and instead of spelling out 'you're next' on the shower wall for my sister to see, i just washed it down the drain.

i did think twice about it, though.

2002-10-14T13:19:00.000-07:00

so here's an idea i had for a store: all tubas, all the time. and it would need to be open twenty four hours, so if you had an emergency you could run in and say 'i have a tuba audience with the queen in half an hour and there's a snake in my tuba and i don't think he's coming out' and you could borrow a tuba for your show for the queen.

also, i had an idea for a bumper sticker: 'i'd rather walk than drive a hatchback.'

if you had a hatchback, your version would say 'i'd rather walk than drive a hatchback, but sometimes people don't have much of a choice, now do they?' the print would be smaller on that one.

sign up for my mailing list, foolz!

2002-10-11T11:53:00.000-07:00

so, the mr hay elizabitch writing week didn't go as planned.

i know you're sad

but!

exciting news!

if you sign up for my list, called elizabitch's funhouse of wacky fun*

2002-10-07T14:53:00.000-07:00

She woke up early, stretching catlike and lithe. Her name was Penny Fucking Dreadful (she added the 'fucking' in a fit of adolescent pique) and she had a long day of asskicking in front of her.

Some people were pirates. Some people were butt pirates. Some people were vigilante pirates, and that's where Penny made her living, exacting justice like Robin Fucking Hood. (It's a little known fact that Robin Hood added the 'fucking' in a fit of adolescent pique.)

She checked her email and found something intriguing:

(check back Wednesday for the next installment)

2002-10-06T12:35:00.000-07:00

so, starting tomorrow (and minus tuesday and saturday, my days off for all y'all stalkers out there) i'm going to be participating in the great mr hay/elizabitch writing week! wheeee

so check here tomorrow afternoon, and check there too.

2002-10-05T08:58:00.000-07:00

so today when i was driving to work (an hour early, because i'm the idiot who volunteers to come in at eight on a saturday) there were like, ten million hot air balloons over the interstate and i started thinking what if they were aliens, because hey, they were floating to the ground and who says aliens can't have ginormous floating heads? and then i saw a hot air balloon that really WAS decorated like a floating alien head and it was too much and i almost drove off the road. then a couple of minutes later i saw a balloon in a tree and i laughed.

ps, dear sirs, i know that next week i am going on a balloon ride and i would appreciate it if you wouldn't send any dirty karma my way even though i did laugh at the balloon in the tree. basically, i would like to not end up in a tree, or dead on the highway. in exchange, i will stop writing 'i have touched a stripper's butt' on dollar bills, even though when you think about it, unless it's a shiny brand spankin new dollar it probably HAS touched a stripper's butt and really, it's not good to think about what money has touched or you might get all ocd and germphobic like the guy who used to host double dare and sirs, i don't want that for you. ok, thanks.

love elizabitch

2002-10-03T12:08:00.000-07:00

i think my pants smell funny

2002-09-29T18:34:00.000-07:00

i wish that i could make a robot voice call my sister's work and say 'what do you want for dinnar!'

alas, i do not know of such a website

Y'ALL ARE HOOKERS AND NEED TO EMAIL ME!

i am SO BORED I WANT TO POKE OUT MY EYES WITH A SPOon

ok love you byebye

2002-09-28T10:51:00.000-07:00

everyone should wake up and EMAIL ME

i am SO BORED

come on, y'all hookers, i will even email right back!

me love you long time

2002-09-28T08:54:00.000-07:00

the second best thing* about my mornings is driving by the cereal factory.

this morning, it smelled like cocoa puffs. mmm

*first best thing is my wakeup call. :)

2002-09-27T10:54:00.000-07:00

OH MY FUCKING GOD I HATE OLD PEOPLE

that is all

2002-09-26T15:46:00.000-07:00

THERE WILL BE NO GUFF ABOUT THE FACT THAT I AM SUPER FANTASTICO EXCITED ABOUT ER TONIGHT

no guff at all, my friends!

2002-09-23T14:19:00.000-07:00

i have been outclassed by the big i. y'all should check out his blog.

i think now there are two of us bloggers in burque

whee

2002-09-22T16:29:00.000-07:00

oh holy moly!

please, all y'all, commence emailing me. someone bootlegged me some innernet

wheeeeeeeeeee

ps, hi danny!

2002-09-13T15:24:00.000-07:00

so, my week of training (and internet access) is over!

y'all could have been emailing me all along!

ahh, temp jobs. they so can't fire me now

wheeeeeeeee

bye bye, it's been nice. probably updates from the delicious mr hay in the future, for a little bit at least. i'll make him update fairly often :)

(ps, mr hay? will you update my blog for me, sometimes?)

2002-09-11T11:22:00.000-07:00

someone needs to bring me chinese food, pronto.

please?

*snif*

2002-09-06T13:24:00.000-07:00

if anyone sees this by 5 pm mst on friday september 6, you should totally email me!

i am bored!

whee.

2002-09-06T08:01:00.000-07:00

this is a dispatch from elizabitch: i am still alive and foine.

and in lurrrrrrrrrrrve. :)

but i'm at a temp job (ssh!) so i better scurry on.

2002-08-28T14:44:00.000-07:00

this is a dispatch from mr. hay: elizabitch is alive and foine.

2002-08-13T21:43:00.000-07:00

who wants to give me a job!

bueller!

ok, back to the want ads with me.

2002-08-06T19:44:00.000-07:00

i always wanted a barcode for a tattoo, but i got a star instead. maybe after the pink ribbon i'll get a barcode.

via boing boing

2002-08-06T19:07:00.000-07:00

so apparently, i am no longer a student of the university of new mexico. i'd like to refer to it as now being a student of life, but really, they decided i couldn't have loans anymore.

did you know they cut you off after an absurdly high amount of money!!!

so, yeah. wonder how long it will take them to figure out i don't go to school here and not let me in the labs anymore? wheee.

confidential to mr mcnally: your link is updated. :)

2002-08-06T15:59:00.000-07:00

so the brightest spot in an otherwise crappy day? the bumper sticker in the hospital parking lot that said "on the eighth day, god created akitas"

indeed.

2002-08-03T22:07:00.000-07:00

things to do when the computer lab is closed:

1. watch movies (seven! this week: royal tenenbaums, say anything, office space, notting hill, the insider, jerry maguire and pinero. i'm nothing if not umm varied)
2. take naps
3. daydream of those salad days* when i'm a trophy wife
4. two words: aura reading
5. some actual writing. can you believe it?
6. crafty things even if someone thinks it's related to my distant girl scout past

*i think salad days is the damn funniest phrase ever! start a trend!

so, let's all pretend i'm brak from the brak show. it's more fun that way!

2002-07-28T20:37:00.000-07:00

mr hay: I...(swim) MUST...(swim) LOOK...(swim) GOOD...(swim) FOR THE LADIES
elizabitch: AHAHAHA
elizabitch: dude, going on my blog
elizabitch: (:
mr hay: he was motivated, so you know he's gonna get there. and the lady polar bears will be like, coca cola? i need me some polar cola
elizabitch: ahahahah
elizabitch: you're an ass (:

man, the zoo rules. there's a baby giraffe and it's like A COMPLETE MINI GIRAFFE. and it came out and stood around for a minute all 'ok, here's the floor show, where's my goddamn roughage' and then wandered off.

also, manta rays rule even when they don't splash on your side of the pool. even if they would be better suited for a horror movie.

ok, last thing. best way to be the most recognizable chick at a moderately busy airport? be the most emo person in the whole building, without even meaning to. but don't tell everyone that, or you'll be only one of many emo persons. then my trick won't work!

2002-07-23T22:06:00.000-07:00

wokka wokka wokka!

man, i always hated fozzie the most. well, he was tied with skeeter and scooter. what stupid names.

goddamn muppet babies. i think i watched every episode of that show. nanny's socks! rolf on the piano! it's trouble, i'm telling you.

either that or i have issues.

2002-07-21T20:34:00.000-07:00

whoa, the blogger interface looks weird

i'm not dead, y'all!

we don't die, we mulitply!

um, hm. don't have too many interesting stories. i got some neat new shoes today. i can't find them on the target website, though.

oh, and i'm on probation at work, so there's that.

um, i've left this up for like half an hour. nothing interesting at all, i guess.

2002-07-17T20:36:00.000-07:00

dear mr hay,

if you would check your email, i'd be much obliged.

damn macintoshes.

2002-07-17T20:16:00.000-07:00

so the weird thing about being in a computer lab is that i wonder if anyone will recognize the blogger interface. hey, they'll say, that's blogger!

but i live in a less than wired city. so probably not.

how are y'all? you should all email me and say 'lizzy you are so delightful and charming! how are you!'

because in spite of everything, i'm good. :)

2002-07-15T18:34:00.000-07:00

hey, you know what's funny? it cost me forty cents just to tell you guys hello.

don't say i never did nothin for ya!

2002-07-14T09:34:00.000-07:00

and here's where i say: every day with you is like a little miracle.

(i promised you i'd update)

2002-07-13T11:29:00.000-07:00

dear eminem song,

why must i love you so? i must get you out of my system before someone comes to visit.

i just downloaded you, you know. on my mama's computer.

get mean! make me not love you, eminem song!

love lizzy

ps, that thing you heard about mbp and i flashing truckers on the road trip home? NOT TRUE. so don't believe them when they say it.

2002-07-12T20:49:00.000-07:00

hi.
ok.

i'm not ashamed of being poor. i need to say that right out. i don't have a lot of money because i have chosen to go to school. that's fine. i've learned tricks and things i need to do to get by, i've had a fuckload of jobs. there have been times i worked seventy hours a week. it's hard but i do what i have to do.

and that's why i really don't fucking like it when i get fucked up the ass because i'm poor.

when i moved into my apartment building i found out that the phone was included. it was crazy! i've never lived in a building like that before. i was on a switchboard system, making things um, well, IMPOSSIBLE if i chose to have another phone.

fast forward six months. last saturday, people trying to call my house heard that my phone was disconnected. crazy! i told them (when i called) because it's not like i have a bill to pay, there's something wrong with the box. and then came wednesday, when the phone just died. couldn't call out, couldn't call in.

and then i find out that the landlord has decided that he just doesn't want to pay for the phone for the building anymore.

um, excuse me? in the middle of the month, right? after an entire building full of people paid their rent? when phone was included in that rent, right? i want to make sure i'm getting this straight. i want to make sure it's clear that this guy just stole my money. i'm living in a building, after all, where one day i get a knock on the door and it's the fucking police asking if i heard anything the night before since they'd FOUND A MAN DEAD that morning and they were taking my neighbor away. you'd think i might want some fucking 911 service.

and i know i know i shouldn't bitch about not having a non-essential service like a phone. and i'm coming at this from a privleged view because i have a computer in the first place (gone home for the weekend, eh, at my parents' house) but the fact is i just got ripped off and i'm pissed about it. i have rights too, no matter that i can't pay for the privilege.

i'm pissed and i'm not afraid and you know what? i'm not going to shut the fuck up. this asshole messed with the wrong person this time.

so i call the landlord tenant hotline, to make sure of my rights. and, well, the asshole could have just sent us all a letter a month ago, letting us know that the phone was no longer included. THAT'S THE LEGAL WAY OF DOING THINGS. but instead, because i live in a low income neighborhood (where mbp and i are the only students in our building; there are lots of families) the owner of my building decided he could just perform a massive ass-fucking.

but i'm not afraid to insist on my rights. i know so many of my neighbors are used to being treated this way. but i've been fucked over for the last time.

2002-07-10T11:08:00.000-07:00

hah. for once, i woke up not pissed off.

whee.

2002-07-09T22:25:00.000-07:00

i can't stop listening to this new eminem song.

can't.

2002-07-08T17:36:00.000-07:00

have you ever had itchy skin because lightning struck the goddamn door of the room you happened to be sitting in?

no?

i should count myself lucky, i guess. another girl at work was messing with the stereo and it made her tongue stud buzz.

scary!

2002-07-08T11:41:00.000-07:00

augh, kept waking up last night. then i heard a horrendous crash. got too scared to go look, but i figured no one could have broken in.

this morning a full ashtray was knocked over about six feet from where i'd left it. it was spooky.

2002-07-07T17:40:00.000-07:00

i really wish someone who shall remain nameless hadn't gotten me hooked on portal of evil. because, really, did i have to ever know about boytaurs? i mean, come on now.

also: listen to moldy peaches' anyone else but you, 200 times. :)

2002-07-07T14:44:00.000-07:00

it rains!

:)

2002-07-07T13:44:00.000-07:00

rackin frackin. wtf is wrong with my phone? i can call out just fine, but when people call me they get a disconnected notice.

dude, my phone can't be disconnected. it's part of the rent, see? i have to dial nine to get out and shit.

damnit, wtf. gotta go find my landlady.

2002-07-06T18:03:00.000-07:00

i took this quiz (warning, full of lots of spammy goodness and hoops to jump through, but hey, i was bored) to uh, find the best places for me to live.

me to mbp: damn, i'm gonna be pissed if it says albuquerque.

but it didn't.

my top five:
milwaukee, wisconsin
portland, oregon
baltimore, maryland
chicago, illinois
gaithersburg, maryland

so that was okay. :)

2002-07-06T17:30:00.000-07:00

so i went to the schlev. what did i leave with? beer, milk, and a liter of water.

what? i'm THIRSTY.

:)

2002-07-06T16:52:00.000-07:00

oh my god. this 82 year old lady had a boatload of plastic surgery and, my god, she does NOT LOOK EIGHTY TWO.

(via obscure store and reading room)

2002-07-06T13:23:00.000-07:00

Do you feel that a woman public speaker must always wear a hat? M.M., Oakland, California

Not necessarily. She doesn't wear one if she is in evening clothes. In many quite urban communities, where hatlessness is a matter of choice, I've seen many distunguished women speakers without hats. In very small communities, which tend to be conservative in this matter, it is probably well for the speaker to wear a hat in order to avoid criticism. It should not be the kind that will shade her face or distract the audience, however. Any arrangement of a veil, flowers, or perhaps a velvet ribbon bow would be quite acceptable.

- Amy Vanderbilt's everyday etiquette, 1956.

2002-07-05T12:27:00.000-07:00

dear body,

i know when i pull a triple whammy and take away cigarettes, caffeine and carbohydrates, you get a little cranky. but we'll both feel better in a few days if you don't make me kill something first.

yours,
elizabitch

2002-07-05T05:25:00.000-07:00

four am is rotten.

2002-07-04T21:47:00.000-07:00

ok, if you read MeFi then you are contractually obligated to read this post from Tamim.

if there was ever a job for 'professional bullshit caller' i would insist tam got it.

2002-07-03T18:33:00.000-07:00

added some pictures to the photo album. password's still GIMME. still can't figure out how to link to a picture with one that doesn't expire. there's a guestbook, apparently? so y'all should sign it.

and, of course, it's pictures of my mug again. i'm gonna go take some pics of malibu stacy or something, just so y'all can stalk in style.

2002-07-03T14:30:00.000-07:00

we've seen some real hard times
and i hope the hardest are behind
but there will be times when it will seem
like we are caught someplace in between
the ocean and the storm
without a shore
we'll find our own way home
and sing out every song we know
no one can keep us down
and who gives a fuck what anybody says
we'll live and love until we're dead
holding on to what we've come to know
and on and on and on and on
and every time you hear this song
be sure you are not alone

-our own way, hot water music.

the last time i saw him was at my one and only hwm show. i was tipsy, i'd been playing croquet all day, watching boys shotgun beers and laughing laughing laughing. we'd had a good time. and then i went to the show by myself, i love hot water music so much, i didn't care, i still don't. i was certain i'd see people i knew.

i saw brian.

i honesttogod gasped when i saw him; i've only done that twice. he was so thin, he was on a cane, but he looked good. i hugged him, once, and the music was so loud. 'how are you?' i asked in his ear, and he nodded. he smiled.

it's fucking shitty, you know? i can say so much about having to face my own mortality and how i wasn't ready to lose someone my own age, how it's weird and strange and how it leaves this gaping hole in my heart, how i wish i'd done things differently. but when i think of those things, it's not the spectre of death and leukemia. it's the fact that he's gone, and i didn't get to tell him goodbye.

he told me once, 'you guys never treated me any differently.' and he was so glad for that. it makes me cry, even now. to think of it, to think that he'd even have to worry about that, to hear him say that in his quiet little voice. i never treated him any differently because it never occured to me to do that. he was my friend, sick or not.

i miss him.

it's been two years, now, since the shock and the fright, having that godawful party and hearing james say 'oh i went to brian's funeral today.' shoving brian c, screaming, 'why didn't you tell me?' he didn't know either. we both sat quietly on my front porch, on the edge of the flowerbed, listening to the whoops and screams from the backyard. colleen and laura and i clinging to one another, sobbing, wishing everyone would just go. the. fuck. home.

that's when i stopped going to shows, you know, stopped going all the time. stopped hanging out with boys in punk rock bands and scamming my way into a scene i kind of hated.

i won't see hot water music again.

and when i listen to that song? i'm not alone.

2002-07-03T11:10:00.000-07:00

who wants to.... give me a job!

my skillz are: being delightful and charming.

my greatest weakness is that i'd probably be late to my own funeral.

come ONNNNN. y'all hookers.

2002-07-03T07:30:00.000-07:00

hey, i'm a saucy tart!

2002-07-02T17:16:00.000-07:00

you bring light in

2002-07-02T06:47:00.000-07:00

ugh, yeah. i've just about talked myself out of calling in sick.

ok, ok, i'm going.

for real.

2002-07-01T22:19:00.000-07:00

mr. hay: remember count chocula?
lizzy: dude
lizzy: yeah
lizzy: ehehe
mr. hay: count jockula would be the vampire for gay men
* lizzy LAUGHS
lizzy: count um
lizzy: mockula, for those who happen to be irony-imparired
mr. hay: do not step into his haunted freeweight gymnasium
lizzy: ehehehe
mr. hay: count fuckyoulots, which is the porn version of count dracula
lizzy: AHAHHA
lizzy: this is going on my blog, sir
mr. hay: hehehe

2002-07-01T00:35:00.000-07:00

nothing is too weird or kinky for mr. hay!

(had to inaugurate the name, you know.)

2002-06-30T20:23:00.000-07:00

and, you know, that crying post i made earlier? i wasn't talking to anyone. i was just making a general statement.

if someone makes me cry, y'all are gonna hear about it.

2002-06-30T19:31:00.000-07:00

so i'm pretty sure this is the end of the song lyrics for a while, but, you know, they often say what i'm feeling better than i can articulate. not to mention impress all passersby with my breadth of music forms and compositions!

ok, that last one, not so much, but i've already claimed to have lost my articulation, at least temporarily, so bear with me.

Good feeling won't you stay with me just a little longer
It always seems like you're leaving when I need you here just a little bit
longer
Dear lady, there are so many things have come to fear
A little voice says I'm going crazy to see all my worlds disappear
Vague sketch of a fantasy
Laughing at the sunrise like he's been up all night
Ooo slippin' and slidin' what a good time
But now have to find a bed that can take this wait
Good feeling won't you stay with me just a little longer
Y'know it always seems like you're leaving
When I know the other one just a little to well
Oh dear lady, won't you stay with me just a little longer
Y'know it always seems like you're leaving
When I need you here just a little longer

-good feeling, violent femmes

2002-06-30T17:02:00.000-07:00

just a general note to anyone who may be curious: people only get to make me cry once. so keep that in mind, say, if you were going to send a mean email or something. might there be something i do in a few months that would warrant a mean email? don't use up your chance. lather, rinse, repeat the next time.

2002-06-30T16:53:00.000-07:00

The needle on my record player has been wearing thin
This record has been playing since the day you've been with him

No more long rides home
No more of your station
I didn't like it anyway
Remember the time we wrote our names up on the wall
Remember the time we realized "Thriller" was our favorite song

Have I waited too long
Have I found that someone
Have I waited too long
Too see you

Maybe it's for the best
Maybe it's not for anything
It wouldn't be so bad to take this right from me

No more long rides home
No more of your station
I didn't like it anyway
Remember the time we wrote our names up on the wall
Remember the time we realized "Thriller" was our favorite song

Have I waited too long
Have I found that someone
Have I waited too long
Too see you

How many times I've tried
It's simple to you, so simple to lie
How many times I've tried
Blatant mistakes of your design

Have I waited too long
Have I found that someone
Have I waited too long
Too see you

I've had so many chances
Turn my back and I ran away
I've had so many chances
To see you

-hit or miss, a new found glory

2002-06-30T11:11:00.000-07:00

just now the doorbell rang and i was all 'uh?' and so i got out of bed and then the person knocked so i threw the door open and gave the chick on the other side the fisheye. she was all 'oh... uh... wrong...' and she ran off.

i have lionhead, too. it was great.

2002-06-30T01:58:00.000-07:00

You said things I wouldn't say
Straight to my face, boy
You tossed the egg up
And I found my hands in place, boy
After backing up as far as you could get
Don't you know nobody parts two rivers met
Don't you know I'm very happy
You know me well
I'm even happier
I like it
I like it

With all of the time in the world to spend it
Wild and unwise
I wanna be mesmerizing too
Mesmerizing too
Mesmerizing to you

With all of the time in the world to spend it
Wild and unwise
I wanna be mesmerizing too
Mesmerizing too
Mesmerizing to you

-liz phair

2002-06-29T01:34:00.000-07:00

so i was looking for some lyrics to put up here, and i found all these old songs, from when i was in high school, from when i didn't know better. and reading them now, oh, they just make me hurt inside a little, they make me cringe, they bring tears to my eyes.

so no lyrics tonight.

2002-06-28T20:56:00.000-07:00

i. fucking. hate. my. fucking. job.

2002-06-28T12:54:00.000-07:00

my horoscope for this week:

I'd like you to take inventory of all the things you do to make yourself attractive and desirable. When you engage in conversation, do you gravitate towards subjects that show off the sexy ways your mind works? Are there specific compliments you dole out when you're flirting, or typical gifts you offer when you're currying favor? Do you use body language and tones of voice that are designed to be seductive? Once you have surveyed the full range of your subliminal salesmanship, Capricorn, I'll ask you not to resort to any of it in the coming weeks. Instead, promise me you'll whip up an imaginative new mating dance and a host of fresh, hot moves.

sounds pretty good eh!

2002-06-27T23:55:00.000-07:00

OMFG y'all.

PAMIE is back.

PAMIE

WITH A BOOK DEAL

I'M GLEEFUL AND YELLING.

go read, now.

stat.

2002-06-27T20:12:00.000-07:00

sometimes, i take a picture of my head with the digital camera, and when i look at it i think 'why didn't anyone tell me i looked like junior gorg from the fraggles?'

and no one did, either. i had to figure it out on my own. y'all hookers.

2002-06-27T17:30:00.000-07:00

another funny work story:

this dude comes in this morning dressed all ratty, with this long black holey skirt on. i see him again at about three, when he is being escorted out by security. turns out he was taking my magazines and ripping off the covers and hiding them, and when he got caught he said 'the mixers made me do it!'

ahh, to live and work in the ghetto.

2002-06-26T20:42:00.000-07:00

things i hate: a short list

people who insist on backing into parking spaces.

damn, i know there were more.

2002-06-26T09:37:00.000-07:00

explore dark and mysterious istanbul!

let your guide take you on a thorough tour of the extensive surprises lying within, and find hidden places others only dream of. take a vacation in istanbul you'll never forget!

group rates unavailable.

2002-06-26T00:20:00.000-07:00

damned fire, it's making my chest hurt.

stupid arizona, if you were going to go up in flames you could have at least done it politely. you don't see us wafting any of our smoke over there to you. when los alamos was on fire it wasn't like this!

i'm just saying, arizona, that some people might think it would be funny to throw rotten eggs at your garage. you might keep that in mind when you're thinking about burning, eh slappy?

2002-06-25T18:43:00.000-07:00

so, i think i heard the funniest thing ever at work today.

short history: i have a job many men would kill for, in that i look at porn all day. i'm the magazine lady at your favorite local entertainment store (if you live in albuquerque, and uhm, you don't hate my store, and um you go into my location) and i'm in charge of, among other things, porn. all kinds of it.

earlier i was cleaning out my locked box of porn (called, um, the porn box) to make room for new porn. i found a muscle lady magazine. and this wasn't just strong lady porn, this was porn in which the women look like men because of the substances, namely steroids, they take.

they have more than square jaws, y'all.

let me just say that i laughed for an hour after i heard my boss bellow: "DUDE WHAT HAPPENED?? WHY DOES THAT CHICK HAVE BALLS?" to um, every picture in the magazine.

ha ha ha it was great.

2002-06-25T06:57:00.000-07:00

rackin... uh... frackin?

RAWR.

2002-06-25T01:10:00.000-07:00

together, yes, brushes of kisses and cassette tapes piled on the floor. whispers of conversation, lying heavy on hearts and secrets meant to keep.

2002-06-25T00:56:00.000-07:00

The Completely Pointless Personality Quiz

2002-06-24T22:25:00.000-07:00

on the off chance that any of y'all are kicking it burque style, there's a health warning for tonight because of all the goddamned smoke. they're all simpering "there's no health risk!" but fuck that y'all. i couldn't see the fricking mountains this morning from my job, and i work in the heights. and just now, the moon's all sick and yellow from the haze. also, it tasted like burning this morning.

not that you wouldn't know this if you live here, but i just thought i'd throw it out.

2002-06-24T18:37:00.000-07:00

ok, time to fess up to which were the truths and which was the lie!

1. my friends' band, pullout method, released a cd a couple of years ago. the final track, entitled 'do the fratboy' featured noises from a party at the house where some of the band members lived. you can clearly hear me say "HIIII NEIL!" and "OH MY GOD." and, dude, i wasn't even drunk.

2. my friend brian was taking nude pictures of everyone he knew for his photography project. the night i was supposed to go over there, we all got nervous and so, of course we got drunk. after that no one could drive, therefore no nudie art pictures. (you got it TAM)

3. ok, not so much short play as 'manifesto' that andrew and i wrote for our theatre class. it was ten minutes on why we should get As, especially since we tried harder in that class than any other. funky soundtrack provided by andrew. i did get an A, btw. also, i've written comedy sketches.

ta-da!

ps, a poetry fragment

i mourn sometimes
what i've lost
before it's gone

2002-06-24T06:36:00.000-07:00

rackin frackin.

sucks.

2002-06-24T01:23:00.000-07:00

Heaven, a gateway, a hope
Just like the feeling inside, it's no joke
And though it hurts me to treat you this way
Betrayed my words, I'd never heard, too hard to say
Up, down, turn around
Please don't let me hit the ground
Tonight I think I'll walk alone
I'll find my soul as I go home

Each way I turn, I know I'll always try
To break this circle that's been placed around me
From time to time, I find I've lost some need
That was urgent to myself, I do believe
Up, down, turn around
Please don't let me hit the ground
Tonight I think I'll walk alone
I'll find my soul as I go home

Oh, you've got green eyes
Oh, you've got blue eyes
Oh, you've got grey eyes
And I've never seen anyone quite like you before
No, I've never met anyone quite like you before
Bolts from above hit the people down below
People in this world, we have no place to go
Oh, it's the last time
Oh, I've never met anyone quite like you before
Oh no, I've never met anyone quite like you before

2002-06-23T14:21:00.000-07:00

AHAHAHAHAHAHHARHERHAERhetraeiothat

ok, edited after the fact to add this link . please, please, please, do yourself a favor and listen to the one called 'michael.'

don't say i never did anything for you :)

2002-06-23T12:31:00.000-07:00

LIZZYBITCH whoa ann landers died
LIZZYBITCH ehehe
LIZZYBITCH she called the pope a polack once
carpEbay what
carpEbay that's crazy shit yo
LIZZYBITCH we always had dear abby
LIZZYBITCH and you know
LIZZYBITCH isn't that kind of fuckin' weird
LIZZYBITCH they were twins
carpEbay yes
LIZZYBITCH and they both got jobs as advice columnists
carpEbay np: Goldfinger - 99 Red Balloons (0:23 / 4:11)
LIZZYBITCH also, the daughter
LIZZYBITCH of ann landers
carpEbay well you know what they say about twins
LIZZYBITCH is an advice columnist for slate.com
LIZZYBITCH i'm thinking that um
LIZZYBITCH this monarchy of advice columnists has to go

2002-06-23T02:08:00.000-07:00

:)

yars yars

2002-06-22T23:43:00.000-07:00

time for another round of two truths and a lie!

1. i'm featured on a punk rock album
2. i posed nude for my friend's photography project
3. i have written a short play that was performed

2002-06-22T19:18:00.000-07:00

when mbp and i went to get some dinner, we had the windows down and at a stoplight we heard a lone bagpiper, but we couldn't see him. it was weeeeeeeird.

weird i say!

2002-06-22T16:29:00.000-07:00

when i grow up, i want to look like amelie.

please?

2002-06-22T15:16:00.000-07:00

chones!
sheets!
chones!
sheets!

(guitar solo)
(drum solo)

(guitar and drum duo)

clean chones!
clean sheets!

yeah, it's been a really exciting day. woo.

2002-06-22T12:56:00.000-07:00

whenever i come back, the air on railroad is making the same sounds.
and the shop fronts on holly are dirty words (asterisks in for the vowels).
we peered through the windows: new bottoms on barstools but the people remain the same, with prices inflating.

as if saved from the gallows.
there's a bellow of buzzers and the people stop working and they're all so excited.

passing through unconscious states.
when i awoke i was on the highway.

with your hand on my shoulders, a meaningless movement: a moviescript ending,
and the patrons are leaving, leaving.

now we all know the words were true in the sappiest songs (yes, yes).
i'll put them to bed, but they won't sleep, they're just shuffling the sheets, they toss and turn, (you can't begin to get it back).

passing through unconscious states.
when i awoke i was on
the onset of a later stage: the headlights are beacons on the highway.

-a movie script ending, death cab for cutie

2002-06-21T21:05:00.000-07:00

so, because i can't get into #mefi, i've spent several minutes this evening adding to my photo album. i hope y'all like looking at my head as much as i do,

password's still GIMME.

yeah, matthew sweet on the radio. this is pleasant. heh.

2002-06-21T19:40:00.000-07:00

pitu-chan! pitu-chan, check your email!

2002-06-21T16:01:00.000-07:00

career changes i examined and rejected today:

arms dealer
headphone model
martyr for a cause
box lifter
ink tester

2002-06-20T19:23:00.000-07:00

AHH just now the wind caused some kind of weird power shut off in my building and i got scared that i'd burned up the computer! but then it came back on so i smooched the surge protector. but then i tried to get online, and there was no dialtone, so i got scared that i'd burned up the modem! but you are reading this so, obviously, everything is okay. you can relax.

2002-06-20T18:14:00.000-07:00

who mistook the steak for chicken!
who'm i gonna stick my dick in!
we're not those kids
sitting on the couch!

2002-06-20T00:01:00.000-07:00

who's back? who's back? who's a good dog? could it be...thumbdog? fuck yeah. dan is rad.

ps, don't forget the first appearance of cake the cat.

2002-06-19T17:41:00.000-07:00

ever had a day where you felt like you were crawling up a brick wall, backwards?

yeah.

2002-06-19T07:13:00.000-07:00

mes yeux, mex yeux!

it's not supposed to be french week on plpb, but my eyes are all weirdly sore.

MES YEUX.

2002-06-19T00:36:00.000-07:00

ATTENTION ALL ECCENTRIC OLD LADIES:

Have you ever been going about your day, doing mildly eccentric things like, say, rearranging all 200 of your hairbrushes or renaming all your cats and thought to yourself, "Self, this would be a heck of a lot easier if I had someone around to help out!"

Your prayers have been answered, eccentric old ladies. Just call Professional Smartass, Inc, and hire Eliza Bitch as your own personal assistant.

I'm great at repetitive tasks, and I'm quirky enough so that we'd get along famously. As an added bonus, I'm delighful and charming, and can amuse you to boot! I can clean out catboxes like a champ, although after a week I'd sneak out and get us one of those self-cleaning ones. I'm proactive, too! I'm relocatable anywhere, unless you live in a dry county. If this is a problem, use your eccentricity! Lobby to have the laws changed! The teenagers in your county will thank you, and so will I. (Lobbying services extra.)

So don't hesitate to email. Salary will be discussed at a later date.

Contact me today, and never be eccentric alone again!